just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
