Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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