Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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