The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
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