so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
