He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
