Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
