im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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