Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
You smell like stripper and shame
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
