According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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