I cockslap morals
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
