I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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