This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Randomize
