I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
