Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
