Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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