You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
