would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
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