i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
