ya dads aren't the best wingmen
wakey wakey hands off snakey
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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