I wish my penis had an off switch
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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