there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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