Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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