taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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