I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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