you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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