I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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