I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
