Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
