try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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