I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
