Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
