so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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