mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
