she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
