i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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