i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
