The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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