i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
