peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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