My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
