You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
