my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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