Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Floor bacon is actually really good
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
