His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
