nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
