I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
