Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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