there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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