....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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