she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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