My Higher Power is John Stamos
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
