He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
