I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
