Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
